I Gained Weight During the Pandemic
I gained weight during the pandemic. Those are scary words for me to say, especially as a personal trainer. Our society puts so much pressure on us to look a certain way. A trainer has to be ripped, lean, solid, thin, or muscular. Well I’m not ripped or thin. I am strong and I am healthy and I am conditioned to do well in the activities that I enjoy.
I grew up as a dancer and had (have, who am I kidding?) a bad relationship with my body. We were weighed in front of our peers and told we were too fat and we needed to quit eating as much. I did whatever I could to lose weight. I didn’t eat lunch and hid uneaten food from my parents. I was mortified the first time my mom found my stash of rotting lunches. While I grew out of wanting my body to look a certain way for dance, I continue to battle anorexia and bulimia. When life gets tough or out of control, I find myself hovering over a toilet with two fingers shoved down my throat. Like many others suffering from eating disorders, I have the unhealthy mentality that I can’t control what’s going on around me, but I certainly can control how much fat is around my stomach.
I started disguising my eating disorder as dieting or exercise. Obesity is the number one killer, I don’t care what I look like, I am just trying to be healthy. However, the body dysmorphia never went away. Sometimes I counted calories meticulously, tracking every single calorie burned during exercise and monitoring everything I put in my body. If I was hungry and over my calorie limit for the day, I went for a run to earn the right to eat more.
I know this is wrong, I know I have a sickness. My body size, shape, and weight doesn’t make me who I am. Do I still suck in my stomach when I look in a mirror? Do I sometimes feel bad when I eat and feel full? Do I occasionally find myself hovering over a toilet when I feel stressed? Absolutely! But I am trying so hard to redefine what it means to be healthy, because health doesn’t correlate to a number on the scale.
Many of you post progress pics about how proud you are for not gaining weight while social distancing. Or you’re posting memes about how fat you are going to get because of the pandemic. Or you are joking about how bad you are eating and making food seem like the enemy. Even people who claim to be body positive are the first I see posting about their new diet or drastic weight loss. I don’t think you realize the harm this causes those of us suffering with eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I know you are just victims of a fat phobic, fat shaming society, that has created an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation of what people should look like. I am not blaming you at all. In fact, I feel so bad for all of us.
It’s hard for me to be proud of myself and my accomplishments regardless of what my body looks like because society tells me I need to look a certain way. I am immediately judged by how I look. I must not be healthy or fit or happy or deserving of love if I have a few extra pounds, a couple extra rolls, or more dimples than the current beauty standards. I do believe we need to exercise and workout, we need to eat healthy, natural foods, and avoid sugars, processed foods, and saturated fats. What I don’t believe is that food is the enemy and that we need to cut out whole food groups or starve ourselves to lose weight. We need to exercise for strength and cardiovascular health and we need to eat food that is nutritious and fuels our body for all our awesome activities and adventures.
“ “Having positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is believing your body is good, regardless of how it looks.” ”
I’ve gained weight….and I shouldn’t care…..I’ve done so much more during the pandemic that defines me as a person. I am being creative with my business and hustling to stay afloat. I am working out several times a day so others can join me from their homes. I am gardening and biking, getting outside, and enjoying life. I am far from perfect and I judge myself. I look at other personal trainers with six packs and fear that clients will never hire me because I don’t look a certain way. But I am good at what I do. Damn good! I help people gain strength, increase their cardiovascular health, perform better at their sports, rehab from injury, and enjoy life because they can move better.
I have said it before, but I am NOT here just to help people lose weight. Why does weight really matter? Why does the shape or size of your body matter? Can you do the things you want to do? Can you chase after your kids? Can you climb mountains? Can you run and bike and enjoy life how you want to? If the answer is yes, then your body is great! If the answer is no, it has nothing to do with your weight or how you look….it has to do with your fitness. You need to condition your muscles and heart for these activities. Just merely losing weight is not going to change your health. It’s called Fitness vs. Fatness.
If you think I’m wrong, my next post “3 Reasons the Obesity Epidemic is Overblown” is coming soon and I encourage you to read it. Of course, there are exceptions for those of you training for bodybuilding, physique competition, or sports with weight classes. I am focusing on the weekend warrior or everyday person that feels bad because they are a few pounds “overweight”.
This month I challenge you to set a non-weight related fitness goal. A certain number of push-ups? A time for your fastest mile? A PR for your squats? The longest distance you walk in 15 minutes? A new record for running around with your kids? I don’t care what it is, set your goal and share it with me! I look forward to cheering you on!